Monday, October 17, 2011

Step-by-Step Survival Guide to Mornings

I am thoroughly upset with Darwin and his obnoxious theory of evolution. And to think there still exists doubt on whether humans evolved from monkeys!! I mean, how else can you account for the fact that human kids assume monkey-like intelligence in the wee hours of the day? With extreme conditions calling for extreme measures, there is now a code to every move and counter move in my early morning jungle.

For mothers who look like they've stepped out of the damn cereal commercial - just walk away without reading this post. Believe me - you don't want to know what a REAL household looks like!

Usual turn of events follow the following steps:
  1. Turn off the alarm and mumble a prayer to the God of Time to wait for 5 minutes before it turns 'Get-up-or-you-are-screwed'  hour
  2. Discover in horror that the Time God did not grant you your wish and hence you are, indeed, screwed.
  3. Jump out of bed while looking for the slippers you swore you left by the side of the bed. Amazing how the bloody chappals have developed their own brains but the kids haven't!! 
  4. Run to the kids' room, while threatening mass destruction. That may or may not cause the 8 year old to realize the explosive situation, and WAKE up.
  5. Discover that 8 year-olds are HEAVY to pick up and drop into the bath. Yes - DROP is the right word.
  6. Discover that the bournvita has just caked up into one, solid, miserable mass - and here I quote from SRK's earth shattering, brain numbing act - "If you gotta get screwed, the whole damn universe conspires against you and then, Govinda Govinda!" - or something like that!
  7. Remind the sleeping-on-the-potty-seat 8 year old about the promised mass destruction in code language. In my household the code language is "You awake?" The answer comes by way of another coded message - the flush!
  8. Pack lunch - seemingly simple task. But consider all probabilities - healthy food, TASTY food, availability in the fridge, keeping power for a few hours without changing, tasty when COLD..... and all this has to be in the SAME food!!
  9. Get kiddo into uniform without killing her or damaging the uniform. Difficult - especially in effing Delhi winters. Why, you ask? Pray let me explain:
    • Layer 1: Warmers
    • Layer 2: Shirt and Skirt.
    • Layer 3 : Half sleeve sweater (stupid school uniform!!)
    • Layer 4: Gloves, Socks, Cap
    • Layer 5 : Jacket.
    • THEN discover you forgot the tie and the belt. REMOVE Layer 5 - for which you need to remove some of layer 4!!! Sheeesh!!
  10. Kiddo remembers something 5 minutes before angry school bus driver starts honking - it could be anything from exotic bird feathers to a chocolate bar - and you will find neither on time.
  11. Finally run down the stairs with school bag, water bottle, and art pieces while putting finishing touches on kiddos hair.
  12. REPEAT steps 1 to 11 for kiddo number 2.
  13. Kiddo 2 Step 1 - "We don't need no education, we don't need no bed to sleep"
    Kiddo 2 step 11 - "Angry young man"
  14. Finally, time for some redemption: Wake up sleeping husband by lovingly screaming in his ear - to explain how he is responsible for your plight right now.
And you guys really thought mornings were all about healthy breakfasts??

If you liked this post, do visit this post for a hilarious take on marriage!!


  1. Your post kick started my Monday and my week ahead with a huge dose of laughter, Thank you for that.

    Hats off to you and all the mothers out there for completing this obstacle course of sorts every working morning, most days of the year. The Angry young man looks cute when he is angry :D.

    The SRK quote adaptation is legen-waitfortheschoolbustodriveaway-dary.

  2. I fell off my chair laughing, trying to picture the whole thing !! The second picture is so cute ! look at his expression. priceless :)


  3. Ayyo!! Hilarious! :D
    Especially point number 7.
    I rememgber how da used to walk (read:run) behind me and my sister to feed us breakfast while we tried our best to get dressed for school. My sister always, unfailingly used to make the schoolbus wait for a good five minutes. They used to call her P.T.Usha. :D

  4. he he hehe ..

    he doesnot look happy :)
    I liked all the points

    alarm bells Why do they have snooze button...
    and sleeping on their :) i like that i have done it a few times now ...


  5. Nirvana,

    My Stomach and my Jaw is aching!! :D

  6. Hey Meena,

    Well i do half of all that tooo :)

    But really hats off to all the Mum's.



  7. Wow and I thought my mother was a harried soul:P
    Would you believe it if I say I *almost* fell off the chair laughing and picturing all this?:D
    And this *almost* makes me want to rethink my love for children and wanting to have three of my own.
    'Almost' because the last picture reinstated my belief and reminded me that it's because of the tiny people who look like THAT in THAT small uniforms that I want to get married at all:):)
    Lots of love to both kiddos:)

    And not to forget, brilliant post, Madame:D
    I'm sure all the three will agree that you're awesome the way you get things done:)

  8. Hehehe... Bhaagam-bhaag it is!
    Reminded me of my childhood, were I'd be sleepwalking through my morning chores. I've only my parents to thank, for getting ready on time :D

    I'm sure I won't find it funny, when I'll get married and have to go through this routine :S

  9. Hhahahahahahha i went back to the time i was the kiddo!
    My mother used to literally brush my teeth while i sat with my eyes closed.
    I loved this man, made me smile coz i remember those days.
    The kiddo is sooo cute :D

  10. Sometimes fathers have to help too...actually a lot of time...when in the USA. I completely understand what you say here. I am not a morning person so I hate that alarm clock. But believe it or not, on weekends I wake up early in the morning for no rhyme or reason....

  11. This gruelling morning drill is all too familiar for me. I'm not a morning person, and little wonder that my kids aren't either. The last straw for me was having to braid their hair and tie it up with ribbons :(. Thank god for the new school, a ponytail suffices.

    Check this out:

  12. @Atrocious...the angy young man is currently testing my patience levels, but yeah, he's cute alright! And am sure whoever wrote the SRK script will cringe if they knew this!!

    @Jyotsna ... thanks for coming by.. this expression comes just before the tantrums.

    @Spaceman ... hehe.. no. 7 is my favorite too. And yeah, my Dad used to feed us too - they don't make men like that any more, i guess :-(. And P.T. Usha - good one!

    @Bikram... yup! he's not happy at all. And yeah sleeping on their 'ahem-ahem' is a daily normal activity.

  13. @The meditating lion ... Thanks - am glad you liked it.

    @Ajay .. I know!

    @PeeVee... Firstly, thanks for all the gracious praise in your blog!
    Second, having kids(as AB Jr. said on an interview alongside Vidya Balan - don't ask me why I watched it - i like Vidya Balan...)is only a technical issue - marriage has nothing to do with it *wink, wink*
    Third, yes. Inspite of all its exhausting ways, motherhood has its high - every night AFTER they have slept I finally smile! No, but seriously, I adore them too.

  14. @Vinitha.. yeah most of India would be illiterate if it were not for parents pushing sleepwalking kids into the schoolbus! And no, I am quite SURE it will noe be as funny when you have two (or more) of your own.

    @Red Handed... am so glad it took you to nostalagia! And that cute kiddo is the one that gives me the white hair!

    @A.. Yes, I do agree. My Dad, too would be up at 5.30 to get us ready by 7.00!! And I also understand that one's body clock gets used to a certain wake up time, and so on holidays too, we end up waking at the same time.

    @Shadia... hehehe congrats on the new 'braidless' school! And that video is my personal favorite! Just loved it! Thanks

  15. Entirely my pleasure:)
    And getting married is an excuse that I like to hide behind:P

  16. Hahaha, absolutely hillarious! I can now understand how my parents felt when I fell asleep on the toilet. Invariably my dad would pour a mug of cold water on my face. Sigh! Those where the times.

  17. @PeeVee ... :-D

    @Sumitra ... hahaha!! yeah can relate to that too.

    @Dev .. thanks for coming by

  18. so super cute...and i can so relate to this-when people ask moms, 'what do you do all day?' i wish they had all day to hear it actually for i could go on n on...:-)

  19. @Suruchi .. I know! the next time you are asked that question, just tell them you are creating the future of the WORLD - so they better HOPE that you have more than 24 hours in your day! Thanks for coming by.

  20. bwahaha! :P :P .. this so took me back to childhood! (even though my mum still does half the things for me now too! ).. once, i actually got dressed and was waiting for mommy patiently to take me to the bus stop and since mum was still sleeping, and i missed the school bus, i started crying only to find it was all in my dream!!.. damn! :P
    Awesommeee post! :D

  21. @Viya ...your mom still does half the stuff for you?... wow ! you lucky dudette ... And that was some nightmare, huh? Thanks for coming by!